Gratitude List For Reals

Thank you for Black Friday because, dammit, I like half off, especially when I’m shopping for someone else.

Thank you for brutal honesty because you should tell the truth at Christmas.

Thanks for Miracle of 34^th Street, and Love Actually, and Elf, and The Holiday.

Thank you for that ridiculous news story about the imposter Taliban man because it really just proves that my father is right and the government has no idea what it’s doing and this might mean he’ll have a Merry five minutes. At least until the discussion turns to health care.

Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing.

Thank you especially for and for Elvis’ “Blue Christmas,” and for that Dolly Parton one about the “Heart Candy Christmas” and Robert Downey Jr.’s version of “I wish I Had a River” because I like a sad Christmas song. It’s fucking romantic.

Thanks also for Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas,” and for “It Must Have Been Ol Santa Claus,” by Harry Connick Jr. because, really, who can stay sad at Christmas?

Thank you, Lauren Conrad, for sharing your mom’s recipe for Eggnog in People Magazine. I never thought I’d say this but, you were right, they are pretty kickin'.

Thank you for giving us all somewhere to go.

Thank you for the friends, old and new.

Thank you for the family, old and young.

Thank you for poetry that doesn’t rhyme.

Thank you for all that bellyaching food!

Thank you for Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch and Santa Claus and the Abominable Snow Man and the Island of Misfit Toys, to which I will now retire.

Thank you, and Goodnight.