Saturday, April 17, 2010

What is it about QVC that seduces my mother into thinking I would like six strands of purple amethysts to wear around my neck?

"It's a 'just because I love you gift," she says, like this is a thing between us.

"Thanks Mom," I say. I have decided that, although she has a marvelous sense of humor about herself, I don't need to tell her anymore if I don't like a gift she has given me. Primarily because she won't listen. After the hand towels with roses which I said I didn't like, she sent a quilt with roses, miniature teacups with roses, potpourri bags full of roses. All from QVC. Except for the potpourri bags, she makes those herself.

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful." I say, and the pigeon outside my window oodles as if to cast doubt--he can hear the lie in my voice.

"I bought them for myself but I don't have anywhere to wear them." She says.

Just then I hear the QVC announcer chattering about some special offer and then Head On! with Activon, Head On! with Activon, Head On-"Shit, I must've rolled over on the remote," she says. "Wait just a minute Duffi Jo."

Three months later she calls to tell me she is having portraits done.

"I was wondering if you could send me back those amethyst necklaces," she begins. "I know you'd tell me if you didn't like them..."

"Wait, what?" I'm confused. She has her teeth out or she's taken too many pain pills or she's just woken up or some combination of the three.

"Well I know you wouldn't tell me if you didn't like them," she says. I must have mis-heard her the first time. But now it's clear. My 'just because I love you' gift is being recalled.

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